Ashes to Ashes
by her name is erika
Summary: Dust to dust. / Or, Victoria and Reed still in the flames, figuratively.


**Ashes to Ashes**  
 **show:** Young and the Restless  
 **central character(s):** Victoria Newman, Reed Hellstrom  
 **summary:** Dust to dust. / Or, Victoria and Reed still in the flames, figuratively.  
 **notes:** Another thing I typed up over three or so days. Just wanted to explore Reed and Victoria's thoughts and feelings post-Underground fire. Forgive any typos. It was fairly something quick I threw together.  
 **disclaimer:** I own nothing.

* * *

 **1.**

He's messed up. Big.

Worse than the time he has two weed brownies and tries to hide the fact that he's hearing a Nirvana concert around him and thinks holy shit, the suicide never happens and Cobain is alive. Reed knows he's messed up worse than the time he's get caught sneaking into a club with live music. House of Blues. The only reason Mom doesn't kill him is because Noah tells the bouncer that they're cousins and the Victor Newman Card is put into play. When Noah claps his shoulder and says he hates using it, Reed agrees. The night turns around pretty great. It's nice that he hangs out with his cousin even though it's clear, it's a date type deal. Tessa kills her set and when she introduces him to play with her on the last song, it's a blur but he knows it feels amazing and he will do this for the rest of his life.

The night isn't supposed to end this way, but still, Reed feels awful. He owes Billy everything for saving him and thank God, he doesn't die tonight. The Underground's keys feel like cement in his palm when he hands them over to Noah. He doesn't mean to screw him over like this, and damn, Uncle Nick will totally hate him.

Reed is resigned to the fact that Mattie isn't an option anymore and he can't even look at Mom right now. She's on the phone with Dad in Poland. He's pissed. That's all Reed needs to know. It's going to be a long night and in a sad, ironic kind of way, the craving for a cigarette kicks in.

—

Victoria makes a pact with herself. She promises not to come down on Reed and alienate him. She promises to still be firm but fair and understand where he's coming from. The doctor says he's okay. He's fine but he's very lucky. Lucky, the word makes Victoria's skin crawl and break out in goosebumps. She's lucky the toxic masks don't do any more damage. She can't even say the name of the chemical, much less wrap her head around everything. Imagine putting a product out there meant to help people, make customers feel good and increase sales only to kill them because damnit, it's a very tangible possibility. Victoria exhales, closing the door to the house after Reed enters. She understands being a teenager is hard, full of unknowns like the universe says to make mistakes to know better later. But it's not like those mistakes can't follow a person into adulthood.

They can.

Victoria won't break that pact for two reasons: Katie and Johnny are sleeping upstairs as per Hannah and she sees Reed is carrying too much guilt and remorse. She doesn't want to add to it. He's crushed and feels awful. Reed sighs, going into his back pocket and places his car keys, his phone next.

She crosses her arms and says sternly, but softly, "We have to talk about this, Reed."

Reed shrugs, "What's there to talk about? Tonight was my fault. I could have killed myself, Mattie, and Charlie. I lied to Noah to get the keys to the Underground, and brought a whole bunch of underage kids to Uncle Nick's bar when he wasn't there."

"You know he could have been in trouble for that."

"Yes. I know. He's going to kill me. I deserve it. Please yell at me and ground me so I can go to bed. Uncle Nick's been gave me disappointed looks while I hoped I didn't kill Billy so hurry up and do it," he says, exasperatedly, finally looking at her. Victoria notices he hasn't all night. He follows her home in his own car after spending a couple hours in the hospital for observation, but doesn't say much. She can see how sorry he is, but she can see the fear in his eyes and that breaks her heart. So, she'll focus on that. Focus on the kids like her father says. Reed calls her again and it reminds her of when he's a little boy. She sits and pats the spot next to her. "Come here. Let's talk about this. I'm disappointed too, but more relieved you're okay. Remember what we agreed on?"

He sighs and grabs at his hair. Like she does when she's agitated. It almost makes her smile.

She hears him curse. Victoria rubs her head, too tired to admonish him or even correct him. Her son is wound up, and fearful because of the present.

* * *

 **2.**

Whoever says life flashes plays like a movie when it's about to end, is kind of right.

Reed's life plays backwards as the smoke fills his lungs and he's trying not to pass out. He sees every memory, every happy one, every messed up one and ones that aren't as strong that manage to stay around. He's not paying attention to it. The popcorn is weird is in like sand in his throat and the soda is poison that burns when he swallows. Seriously? This is how he'll go? Of all the ways and circumstances Reed can die, this is how it ends? Panic arises in his chest, pressing the smoke up against the walls of his lungs.

He can die performing at a festival, or be the unfortunate victim of a tour bus spinning out of control. Reed can die because the smoking he craves so much it's not even funny is the reason. Or, at least something he doesn't know of or has no control over can kick his ass right off this planet. Not…this.

Charlie is a semi-tolerable dickhead with a jock complex but Reed likes him sometimes. Reed can't hear the sirens anymore and it's getting harder to breathe. This is what Hendrix probably goes through when he chokes on his own vomit.

Her panicked, scared face as she brushes her fingertips against his.

Even behind her glasses, Mattie's eyes are beautiful. Reed wants to touch her curls, tell her they'll be okay because the sirens are there and Billy will be here for them. He wants to wipe the ash away from her cheek and kiss her if he is truly about to die.

"We'll…" Mattie says, after she coughs. "We'll be fine. All of us."

"Promise?" Charlie replies. Reed hears Mom and Dad somewhere in his head and Billy somewhere else far away. He can't quite tell what's real or not right now. Charlie coughs again, and then says quietly. "We're going to die and… I'm fucking scared."

"Shut up, man…" he says, finally, a rattling in his chest. He's wheezing. Mattie grips his hand, squeezing it a little tighter. "We're not…dying," he coughs, pictures of his family swirling in his head quickly enough. Another short inhale, another rough exhale, another wish that the smoke stops.

That is what he will remember most. The lie.

The lie he tells himself, Mattie and Charlie that dying isn't a possibility because nobody is stupid enough to believe it.

Reed will beat himself up for being stupid enough to tell himself that.

 _It's all my fucking fault._

—

Victoria tries not to notice how his hands are shaking when he sits down next to her.

"Talking. We agreed to talk about it. Dad?"

"Your dad is just as relieved as I am, but it's not good, honey. He's not happy," she answers, touching his hair. She expects him to pull away because it's a teen guy thing, but he doesn't. "He's flying in to see you next month. He was going to at some point because of the legal stuff between us but he wants to see you. We agreed that the three of us have to talk."

He rolls his eyes and frowns. "Great. Guess I'm going to boarding school."

"No, you're not," Victoria refutes, immediately. "But we need to sit down and have this open and dialogue about what's next. You're almost at an age when I can't make you stand in a corner. We want things to be fair, right? I…just…" she starts again, and pauses before continuing, "…Regret is one of the worst feelings you can go through. You're too young."

Reed smiles wryly at her as his phone buzzes on the table.

"Starting early is a good thing."

He picks up the phone, looks at the screen and shuts his phone screen down.

"Mattie. We never got the chance to start and we're over. I won't fight Mr. and Mrs. Ashby on it. It doesn't mean anything to them, but I'm sorry."

"I made that perfectly clear to them. You made a bad decision but you didn't intend for any of this to happen."

He stands up and Victoria is still amazed at how tall he is.

"Look, I'm seriously tired. I have to get up early and edit my newest cover video and get it up," Reed explains, sticking his hands in his pockets. "It was a lot of film the footage and Steph emailed it to me before…everything. I'll call Billy in the morning and thank him properly."

"He'd like that."

Victoria stands and hugs her son. Either he's on the brink of being a man, almost an adult or still the little boy who bakes cookies with her on Fridays. Reed is her baby. Her first-born. The baby bundled in blue and the talented, bright kid with years of life ahead of him. Reed sighs against her shoulder.

"I love you," she says, because that's all she can say. "I love you. Unconditionally."

"I love you, too," he says, pulling apart from her. He looks at her questioningly with slight surprise in his eyes. Victoria sees it. Her eyes. Her hair. JT's mouth and ears. The strong jawline of Nick and her father. She takes his car keys and drops into it into his palm. His hands have her mother's musical talent in them. and then she sees the gratitude shining in Reed's eyes and the corner of his lips quirk into a soft smile. "Mom… thank you."

Victoria watches Reed leave until his lanky form disappears upstairs.

* * *

 **3.**

Reed walks past Johnny and Katie's rooms and is so jealous of them.

Their Halloween is full of candy, and trick-or-treating and when they go to sleep, they still have their lives with simple things. All they want is to fight over who gets more candy and they wake up, they won't care. Reed isn't sure he will wake up, much less sleep. He walks to the red bedroom door at the end of the hall, opens it and steps into the mess. He collapses onto his bed and brings his phone to life.

 _You okay?_

Reed reads Mattie's text and laughs to himself. Of course, her texts are so proper grammar-wise. It's one of her quirks and so her. He loves…that. She's part of the reason he's home and he knows Mattie is tough, knows what to do, and is calm under intense situations. But he swears she's in the wrong costume. Little Red Riding Hood is a super hero. As scared as he is, Reed is in awe of her.

He sighs and looks at her text again. Is he okay? How the hell can he answer something like that? It will be awhile before he knows. Now, he wants to sleep.

He'll just smoke tomorrow.

 _yeah,_ Reed starts to type and then presses the backspace button and types again.

 _idk. still kinda freaked._

Another text from Mattie comes through again. _Yeah. Me too._

And then another text comes back and his stomach drops to his feet. It's kind of like how Reed's on Twitter only to see GC Buzz trending again, and his mom passing out on live TV is a fucking gif. He's still trying to figure out who creates it and someone's ass is getting kicked. He doesn't what the hell is going on. Reed only remembers driving to Memorial from leaving American History when Grandma calls him.

She can be in the morgue, but so can he right now.

 _Are we okay?_

Reed glances from his phone, bright screen and all as his eyes drift over where he hides a half pack of cigarettes. There are a least three in there, and he needs to get a new lighter.

Her parents hate him. Frankly, he's tired of Charlie and maybe, Mattie is better off.

Reed sighs, powers down the phone and leaves the text unread.

—

She finds herself touched by a moment in time she thinks is long over.

If Victoria is being truthful, she will admit that five years is a lifetime but Eddie G becomes as real as he is in Miami in 2012. When she's done with giving him the gratitude he completely deserves, Billy's betrayal – his mistake, his risk – makes Victoria's stomach churn. It makes her ears ring with Eddie G's deep voice in her head and she wants to scream. She's so grateful Billy doesn't die. She's so thankful he's okay but she wants to hurt him for this. Not for the face cream so much. It's more because Billy's gambling associates are out of their graves and they haunt her. He makes her remember when she thinks five years is more than enough. It _is_ enough.

Victoria feels the cold metal of the gun against her head, the cruel laughter of another and feels like herself about to throw up as another man puts a part of himself into a part of her nobody should.

She feels dirty. She feels the poison on her face, under her skin and between her legs.

Victoria wonders over to the window seat, and prays sleep comes.

It's a futile prayer. It's the same kind of prayer she throws up there when something sharp and prickly breaks her skin but she can't fight back. It's the kind of her prayer that doesn't get answered because it's nothing the results of a rape kit won't ever fix. She can't forgive Billy for that, won't forgive him for this, and won't forgive herself if Brash & Sassy – her legacy, and her stamp on a male dominated world – is rubbed out forever.

 _How does she let it get this out of control, this bad, and this serious?_

—

She stares out the window, her phone buzzing on the table.

Victoria glances back but doesn't move to pay attention. It doesn't matter today.

It's all smoke and dull embers to her.

—

 _fin_


End file.
